Nine Innings At Ground Zero

"Nobody get on a plane
unless your last name is Bin Laden!"

I saw the movie when it first came out.  First, right
off the bat, I am almost never impressed when the
movie industry tries to make baseball a metaphor for
larger issues.  In this case, the filmmakers were
treading in well-worn footsteps -- 9/11 being the most
overly and artlessly metaphorized event in our
lifetimes.  Bad 9/11 poetry is like a cottage industry
in interoffice e-mail forwards.  And baseball has been
used for some of the sappiest attempts at storytelling
in history.  So the marriage between the two was not
likely to disappoint.

Not that there aren't parallels to be drawn; they're
just missed here for the easier and more PC narrative.

Some of the scenes were moving, but I thought in
general that it was awful, overly sappy and tedious.
I was more than a little annoyed that they dug up
the "Yankees represent America" metaphor.
I thought I could safely put that cringe-worthy
analysis into the ground when Luis Gonzalez's single
fell into center field.  If you go by that, then since
the Yankees lost, does that mean America is a bunch of
losers?  Or that Phoenix is a haven for terrorists?
It isn't anti-Yankee bias, either -- it just doesn't
make much sense, whether it was the Yankees, the Mets
or the New Rochelle Little League team we're talking
about.  It's just baseball.  A happy diversion from
the crap going on in the real world.

Isn't Phoenix part of America?  If I were a
Diamondbacks fan, or even just an Arizonan or non-New
Yorker in general, I would be a little insulted at the
implication that the Yankees were America's team or
whatever bullshit that was being reported at the time.
To read the papers, you would have thought the
Yankees were playing against al-Qaeda.

Anyway, what it boils down to as a larger issue, and
what that movie gets wrong, is that, insofar as a
baseball team can represent anything, the Yankees
don't represent the best of New York.  New Yorkers are
tough and classy, simultaneously down-to-earth and
intellectual.  Many New Yorkers I know rejected Bush's
little photo-op, politicking on top of the mass grave
at Ground Zero with a bullhorn four days too late as a
publicity stunt; it's true, many were fooled, and we're
just now coming out of the post-9/11 hypnosis as a country,
four and a half years later.  But this
movie sews gut-level imagery like that into a
patchwork of unquestioning pseudo-patriotism which has
worn thin.  The Yankees' constant
image-churning, money-wasting approach to baseball
smacks of a microcosm of all the things that are
currently wrong with the country at large, the things
to which New York is something of an outpost of
rebellion.

The Yankees are the antithesis of New York's values.
The Yankees' organization plays to none of the great
qualities of New Yorkers; they rely on conformity and
knee-jerk visceral imagery, the baseball equivalent of
the Bush photo ops, to carve out their niche in the
market.  And with 350 million dollars at their
disposal, they do a good job of it.  The Mets did way
more to help immediately after 9/11 than the Yankees
did; in fact certain Yankees even publicly criticized
the Mets for doing visible charity work, calling it a "PR ploy".
Then the Yankees tried to co-opt the good will by grafting God
Bless America and weepy military tributes onto their
games for the past 4 years.  The Yankees are image;
the Mets are emotion and substance.

At least half the New Yorkers I know either root for
the Mets, root for other teams that don't play in New
York (lots of Boston fans live here), or just don't
care about baseball and are sick of hearing about the
Yankees already.  For that reason, this huge group of
New Yorkers, myself included, saw the Diamondbacks'
championship as a welcome relief to the horror of the
past couple of months.

I don't know if that movie would sell, but I'd buy it.

Why Do The Troops Hate The Troops?

"Half of you like me! You really half-like me!"

Even though George Bush's popularity among Americans is swirling clockwise aroung the drain like a chunky poop, he can always count on the military personnel around the world to support him. After all, they are carefully kept too busy dodging enemy fire and car bombs to hear any real news, and the shit they pipe in there is all propaganda anyway. So it's likely that the military will always be near unanimous in its support for Mr. Dressup. Right?

Uh-oh.

Approval of the president's Iraq policy fell 9% from 2004; a bare majority, 54%, now says they view his performance on Iraq favorably. Support for his overall performance fell 11 points, to 60%, among readers of the Military Times newspapers (85% of those polled are on active duty).

You mean the troops don't support the troops?! Even with Rush Limbaugh being piped into their ears on Armed Forces Radio every day? I guess being a sitting duck all the time and not having proper body armor might drown that out.

In other related news, while speaking to injured veterans at a hospital, President AWOL once again displayed his knack for saying the most inappropriate thing possible in any given situation.

"This hospital is full of healers and compassionate people that care deeply about our men and women in uniform," the president said after his visit with the wounded troops. "It's also full of courageous young soldiers and marines, airmen. I'm just overwhelmed by the great strength of character of not only those who have been wounded but of their loved ones as well. "

Bush spent the past week relaxing at his ranch where he rode his bike, cleared brush and prepared for his sixth year in office. He and his wife, Laura, and her mother, Jenna Welch, stayed at the ranch on New Year's Eve and had a steak dinner.

The president had a two-inch scratch across the left side of his brow.

"As you can probably see I was injured myself, not here at the hospital but in combat with a cedar," Bush quipped. "I eventually won."

Yes, and if only your job was to protect us from inanimate objects like tree branches, you might be qualified for your job instead of an unmitigated, miserable failure.

Nah, scratch that. If we were attacked by trees, he would let the trees get away and launch a pre-emptive strike on a cabbage patch.

Aaron Heilman

Idiot talk-radio hosts and their idiot callers have made a lot out of this article about Aaron Heilman supposedly saying that he wants to start, or be traded.

Aaron Heilman has told the Mets on several occasions that if he is not going to be a starter in 2006, he wants to be traded, agent Mark Rodgers said Friday.

"He's been polite but persistent," Rodgers said. "He's enjoyed the Mets, the city and the people, but he can do the math. He knows right now there's no room for him."

This is a whole lot of nothing. Heilman's not a dummy; the market for even a mediocre reliever is sitting right now at about 9 million dollars a season. The extremely overrated Kevin Millwood just signed with Texas for 12 million per season. At the same time, top-notch setup men get 3 or 4 million per year. So it's no wonder he wants to start; I would too.

And, he's a blue chipper. The Mets drafted him #1 in 2001 (18th pick overall), spent years grooming him, and suffered the disappointing first few years of his development, only to see him finally succeed in the majors in 2005. He pitched a one-hitter and a two-hitter in the early season, and he was among the most effective relievers in the NL when the Mets stupidly moved him to the bullpen, so that he could pitch 70 innings instead of 190, paving the way for reclamation projects like Victor Zambrano and Kazuhisa I-shitty.

So now that he has begun to establish himself, has a full successful season under his belt, and is 4 years away from free agency, of course the Mets are falling all over themselves to trade him. For who?

Meanwhile, the Mets, according to several people familiar with the situation, have made progress in their talks with the Devil Rays regarding righthanded reliever Danys Baez. "It's a possibility, but it's also contingent on a few things that we're working on," D-Rays spokesman Rick Vaughn said. "It could possibly happen, but it also may not."

If the Mets traded Heilman and acquired Baez, the Mets would get someone who could set up Billy Wagner and Heilman might get a chance to start. Baez, however, would likely have to be sold on accepting a lesser role in his walk year.

Baez, 28, had 41 saves in 49 chances, a 5-4 record and a 2.86 ERA in 721/3 innings last season. He will make $4 million in 2006.

Are those stats supposed to blow me out of the water? Why trade a quality setup guy who we know can also step in as a starter if someone in the Mets' old starting rotation goes down; for Baez, who CAN'T start, led the league in blown saves last year, already makes ten times what Heilman makes, AND is practically a lock to leave the Mets at the end of next season as a free agent so he can pitch somewhere he can be a closer?

The jackoff writing this article says that Heilman could benefit from the trade because he could start elsewhere. He does not mention that Heilman could get a chance to start WITH THE METS, if they didn't have their heads up their own asses.

According to Rodgers, the last time Heilman told Minaya about his desire to be a starter was just a few weeks ago, when the GM called Heilman after he returned from a successful stint starting in winter ball in the Dominican Republic.

Notice the sentence construction. "The last time Heilman told Minaya about his desire to be a starter was just a few weeks ago." Attempting to make one isolated conversation sound like an insidious plan to harangue poor Omar Minaya all throughout the offseason. I'd be letting the guy know too; he's my boss and he's in charge of where I pitch. How "persistent" can he be? He's in another freaking country playing baseball, and if the comments are at least two weeks apart, that's no more than 6 mentions this offseason.

These are private conversations within the organization. Yes, the agent leaking the info to Newsday is an attempt to influence public opinion. But the way this article reads, you would think Heilman called a press conference to trash the Mets.

Rodgers said Heilman, who went 4-1 with a 2.27 ERA in six winter ball starts, told Minaya, "The reason why I went and played winter ball was to prove that I can start."

We all know he can start. He didn't need to go to the Domincan to prove that to me. The question is, why is this a story? Because some douche in a cubicle, faced with a slow news day, tried to spin it into a controversy. If the Mets trade him for Danys Baez, who is worse, makes much more money and has usage demands of his own, which he can actually use for leverage unlike Heilman, they're idiots.

Movie Morals #1 and #2

After the New Year I will do more of these installments. In the meantime, here are the first two from last month.

* * * * * * *

DARREN'S ONE SENTENCE MORAL OF THE MOVIE, vol.1

Forrest Gump: Good things will happen to you if you are stupid and remain ignorant.

Pretty in Pink: Being a girl's best friend is way more fun than getting laid.

Rocky IV: People from other countries succeed because they spend lots of money, but Americans, lacking that luxury, win through true grit, determination, and hard work.

Kids: Don't let your children leave the house or they will get AIDS.

Entrapment: Beautiful young women are attracted to wrinkly, stinky old men, as long as they are ruthless criminals.

Shopgirl: Beautiful young women are attracted to wrinkly, stinky old men as long as they have lots of money.

The Fugitive: Although, admittedly, the police may occasionally make a mistake in interpreting evidence, rest assured that in the end, no innocent man suffers injustice at the hands of the law.

* * * * * * *

DARREN'S ONE SENTENCE MORAL OF THE MOVIE, vol. 2

Scarface - A loser with no brains or class can achieve the American dream, if he kills enough people.

Sliding Doors - The slightest, most seemingly inconsequential event can change your life from one boring set of circumstances, to another boring set of circumstances.

Pocahontas - Come on... what about all the GOOD things White people did to the Indians?

Independence Day - If you're planning to invade the Earth and destroy the human race, make sure your advanced technological on-board computers aren't Mac-compatible.

Do the Right Thing -- It is wrong to have prejudices and generalize about an entire race, the way all white people do.

Bruce Almighty: Beware: if you make an offhanded comment that pisses God off, he will go to elaborate lengths to play a practical joke, in order to fuck with you. (See also, "The Bible.)

FOX: Making Sure Even The Sports Division Sucks

During the holiday season, sports networks always use the military as a prop to pretend that they give a shit about the troops. They air these 10- or 15-second bumpers where the troops say hello to their families at home, or people in the US read their admiration of the troops off of cue cards. Usually very little thought goes into these segments and they can produce hilarious results. I caught one today.

During the Giants-Redskins game on FOX (of course), they cut to a woman from Minneapolis who said (paraphrasing): "I want to thank all the troops for making it possible for us to enjoy the Christmas season."

Right. Because as we all know, Saddam Hussein planned to use his completed nuclear weapons program to attack Minnesota on Christmas Eve 2005. It's a good thing we spent $200 billion and sent 2,100 troops to their deaths in order to prevent that catastrophe. Enjoy your fuckin' eggnog, lady!

Beer vs. Jesus

"Man, I don't even wanna KNOW how much I drank last night."

I found this on some atheist's website. Pretty funny antidote to the few religious wackos who insist on ruining the celebration of the Winter Solstice.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

UPDATE: One of my friends correctly pointed out that I rarely drink beer. That's true, but I'd drink a beer before I would chew on a wafer and pretend it's some guy's body. NOT GAY.

Stand Clear of Closing Doors

"Look at me, I'm a regular guy!" -- Mayor Bloomberg

I was trying to hold off talking about the transit strike, but the cumulative effect of about a dozen infuriating discussions over the last several days has made venting a necessity. First of all, the strike had, I think, kind of a galvanizing effect on New Yorkers in general. Just like after 9/11 and again during the blackout in 2003, people got into the habit of starting conversations with random strangers.

The bad part is that a sizable chunk of the people I talked to have no fucking clue what labor disputes are about in general, much less this one in particular. The news media certainly didn't help in that regard, with wall to wall coverage of how fucked up and evil the Transit Worker's Union is. I swear I almost shit myself when I saw one of these dinky local newscasts covering Mike Bloomberg's morning walk over the bridge with 40 people follwing him as if he were Forrest Gump. From the press coverage, you would have thought Jesus was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge to start the End Times.

It's all a publicity stunt. Bloomberg wants to break up the union, like all good billionaire Republicans do, because he wants an influx of cheap labor (like all good billionaire Republicans do). Bloomberg's dream is for a corps of undocumented illegal aliens to be operating the "A" trains and driving the buses for below minimum wage. Quality of life for the employees or the people who ride the system is not important to him, although they spend a lot of time and money trying to convince us otherwise.

A lot of people I know, normally rational, liberal individuals, convinced themselves that Bloomberg wasn't so bad even though he was a Republican. But as with so many other issues, with regard to the transit strike, he falls right in line. What I don't understand is, why do regular people defend a billionaire against a bunch of lunchpail, blue collar workers? A common sentiment I heard from people was, "those motherfuckers make $50,000 a year. I have a college degree and I only make 30K. What do they need MORE money for?"

Well, for one thing, it's not like you'll find this in any of the three major rags, but at the very same time they are crying poverty, the MTA is sitting on a $1 billion surplus. They have been caught in "creative bookkeeping" before, most recently in 2002:

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) hid more than half a billion dollars from the public when it was asking for a fare increase by keeping two sets of financial plans, one public and one secret, according to a report issued today by State Comptroller Alan Hevesi.

Only after he subpoenaed the MTA and required testimony of officials did Hevesi's office learn of the internal plan, which showed that the MTA secretly moved funds to reduce its 2002 surplus and create a deficit in 2003. Hevesi announced a reform proposal to change the secretive culture of the MTA to make it more accountable.

Why any person on the street thinks that money should stay in the coffers of the MTA and go to high-ranking bueraucrats rather than the people who do the bulk of the system's work, I have no idea. I think most people don't confront the disconnect in the forefront of their minds, but if that money doesn't go to the guys who make 50K, it will go to the guys who make 500K for doing basically nothing. They must think the money sits there on a cloud.

It seems to me that regular working class people often seem to side against the strikers because they think the strikers are "ungrateful". When I hear that, I can't help thinking of the master/slave relationship. I usually respond (politely; always politely, even to the most slackjawed gawps) by asking, "if you think it's bad for someone who makes $50,000 a year to ask for more money, why don't you get upset about their managers making hundreds of thousands of dollars, refusing to give up that money?" Usually they get a dopey look on their face and start talking about something else really loudly.

Digby has a post where he talks about Republicans who live in constant fear of terrorism, and their craven need to hide behind and answer to an authority figure. I think he's right on with that observation and it applies in labor disputes as well. Some people have a need to invest all their time and energy into pleasing their massas in the managers' office, and when others rebel against poor working conditions, they immediately and reflexively take the side of management.

Secondly, these transit workers do what is, a lot of ways, a shit job. Yes, it pays well, but in order to attract qualified people to it, you have to keep the benefits very attractive. Skimping on the pension and the health benefits (and failing to address some of the more shitty policies of the MTA toward its workers) is not a good way to keep qualified employees, especially when the management tier gets the same benefits package and is not being asked to pay more into it the way the workers are. This is a good way to drive out reliable people from the system. Have you ever been in a serious bus accident? If you have, you're the first one I've heard of.

Where would our society be without strikes? Imagine a world where corporations are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do. Eight-year olds working 14-hour days. Asbestos in the workplace. No minimum wage. All these things were addressed because of labor walkouts; this is the only real power they have. Corporations cannot be left to their own devices to care about the human condition; history demostrates that they bend over backwards to try and circumvent the law in order to damage the human condition wherever possible, if it makes them money.

Luckily, every poll I have seen on the subject says that the citizens of New York overwhelmingly support the workers over the MTA. I wouldn't have guessed that from talking to the people I talked to in the street, but it is pretty hopeful, especially in the wake of Bloomberg's prefabricated media blitz to make the transit union look like ogres.

This strike was a major pain in the ass for everyone involved, myself included. But holding the workers responsible as the outlet for your anger is just stupid. Unless you're the heir to a billion-dollar corporation, their struggle is your struggle.

The Reason for the Season

Every year, people all across America travel thousands of miles to get together with their annoying families, in order to eat high-cholesterol food, give crappy gifts to each other, get piss-drunk, start violent shouting matches and inflict physical harm on one another.

Yes, it is a wonderful time of the year. But even as we allow ourselves to get swept up in the orgasmic tsunami of brainless consumerism, we should still remember the man who made all this possible; the reason why we celebrate, pray and reflect on December 25th. A man was born that day who brought joy to millions of people; a man who performed feats that defied physics and bent the human mind, making us all believe in a higher power. Of course I am talking about:

RICKEY HENDERSON!



Rickey Henderson, the all time leader in runs scored, the all time leader in stolen bases, the all time leader in leadoff home runs. Second only to Barry Bonds in bases on balls. A man who inspires us all with his resilience and fortitude. And occasional ability to speak in tongues.

Let us all bow our heads in silent prayer for Rickmas. AMEN.

Oh, you thought I was talking about that thing with the tree and the baby in the manger and the three wise men with the frankincense and myrrh? Yeah, I heard of that too. It's an urban legend, apparently.